After gradually building confidence for myself through very small things, I still had one question I had not fully answered: if a person has too many insecurities inside, is simply trying to take more action really enough?
To find the answer, I began reading and watching more content about confidence. Among those materials, I came across a fairly simple method: write down the things that make you feel insecure or anxious, find out where they come from, think of a plan to improve them, and give yourself enough time to carry it out. This is not a method I came up with myself. I am only learning it from others, then trying to apply it to myself, and what I share here is how I understand and practice that method.
Some Insecurities Do Not Completely Begin Within Yourself
From what I have shared about peer pressure and the habit of overthinking, I realized that some of the reasons I lack confidence do not completely begin within myself. They start from the times I accidentally place my life on a scale and compare it with other people’s lives. Or sometimes, just because of an unanswered message or someone’s vague words, I can create an entire negative scenario in my head and make myself suffer.
Because of that, when I began looking for a way to regain my confidence, I understood one thing: if I want to solve the problem from the root, I have to find the source of the fear. Does this insecurity come from a real lack of knowledge on my part, or does it come from outside judgments, from the virtual world of social media, or simply from my own habit of overthinking and making assumptions?
If I do not clearly separate these things, all those hurts and worries will gather into one vague disappointment: the belief that I am inadequate. But once I can correctly name the thing that is making me afraid, I will know which area I need to invest in learning, which skill I need to practice more, and which things are best left alone.
Start with a Piece of Paper
The method I learned begins with something very ordinary: take a piece of paper and divide it into four columns. In order, write down what makes you feel insecure or anxious, the source of that thought, the plan for improvement, and finally the amount of time you allow yourself to carry it out.
It sounds quite simple. At first, I even thought: how could simply writing things down on paper change anything? But when I thought about it more carefully, I realized that the important point of this method is that it forces us to stop. A thought in the mind can come and go very quickly. Today I may feel that I am not good at communication; tomorrow I may worry about work; another day, when I look at someone else, I may suddenly feel inferior. Everything gets mixed together, and in the end, all that remains is a very general feeling: I am not good enough.
When I write it down on paper, I have to name each thing clearly: What am I worried about? What am I afraid other people will judge me for? Which things only make me sad for a moment, and which things have truly affected me for many years?
According to this method, for about a week, or longer if needed, the first thing I need to do is simply observe and record. I do not need to rush into analyzing everything or fixing everything right away. After that period of time, I can review everything and choose the issue that I consider the biggest one, the one that affects my life the most, to deal with first.
I really like this point because many times, I have wanted to change too many things at once. I wanted to communicate better, be less afraid of being judged, speak more naturally, work better, and also stop comparing myself with others. As a result, my mind thought about so many things, but I did not know where to begin. This method says something very simple: first, choose only the biggest issue. Just one issue.
Where Does This Fear Actually Come From?
After choosing the biggest problem, the next step is not to immediately rush out and find a way to fix it. First, I have to ask myself: where does it come from?
In the content I watched, the instructor gave the example of a 29-year-old woman who feels anxious because she is not married yet. If we only look at the surface of the sentence, it is very easy to think that the only solution is to quickly find someone to marry. But when we ask more carefully, that anxiety may largely come from the pressing questions of people around her, from family pressure, or from seeing that her friends have all settled down. It is also possible that she truly wants to have a family, but is not ready for a specific relationship yet.
Clearly, different causes will lead to completely different ways of handling the issue. I think this is the most important part, because there are things we keep trying to fix without ever asking whether they are truly things we want to change. Some pressure comes from our own real desires, and those things need an action plan. But there are also pressures that are formed simply because we have listened to other people for too long, compared ourselves too much, or tried to live according to a standard we never actually chose. If we cannot distinguish between these two things, we may spend an entire year solving a problem that was never truly ours.
For myself, when I think back to the experiences in the previous article, there were times when I hesitated to speak not because I had nothing to say, but because I was afraid I would not speak well enough, afraid of being judged, and paid too much attention to the other person’s reaction. If I only wrote down, “I lack confidence when communicating,” that would still be too broad. But if I continued asking more deeply, “What am I most afraid of when I speak?”, the answer would begin to become clearer. Maybe I am afraid of saying something wrong, afraid that I am not interesting enough, or worried that one awkward moment will make someone have a bad impression of me. Only when the problem is broken down specifically like that do I know what I need to do next.
The Improvement Plan Has to Be Practical
The third column is the improvement plan, and I find this part very practical because it pulls all the troubles out of my head and brings them back into everyday life.
In the material, there is an example of a person who is afraid of speaking in front of a crowd, and their plan is not to write a slogan like, “I will become more confident.” That sentence sounds positive, but when you wake up tomorrow, you still do not know what to do next. Instead, a practical plan would be to find a class that offers opportunities for in-person practice, actively practice speaking in small daily situations, practice looking into the other person’s eyes, ask a question, or look for a book that is suitable for the problem you are facing.
I think this is exactly the point that connects with what I realized in the previous article: confidence often comes after action. But here, action is no longer the kind of thing where you simply “just do it.” It now has a clearer direction. For example, if my communication ability is still weak, I need to find ways to create more opportunities to talk. If I feel anxious because I do not understand a certain issue, I need to spend time learning more. And if I am afraid of speaking up in a group, I do not need to begin with a speech in front of hundreds of people. I can start by expressing an opinion in a small group of just a few people, or by actively asking one question first.
The most important thing is that the plan must be directly related to the core cause. I cannot solve my fear of communication simply by buying more beautiful clothes, and I cannot fill a lack of knowledge by constantly reassuring myself that I am good.
There are insecurities that need to be understood, but there are also real weaknesses that need to be improved through learning and daily practice. Seeing it this way makes me feel quite at ease, because it does not force me to choose between two extremes: either hating myself, or constantly lying to myself that everything is already perfect. I can fully accept my current awkwardness and still continue to patiently improve it little by little. Those two things do not contradict each other at all.
It Takes Time to Wait
The fourth and final column is for time. I quite like the way the instructor calls this a “comfortable period of time.” Its meaning is not that we should delay, do things carelessly, or only do them when we feel like it. It means giving ourselves a realistic time frame to change, instead of creating a very grand and intense plan and then giving up after only a few short days.
The content I watched even gave the example of giving yourself a whole year to improve a major issue, because people who are just beginning to change a skill or an old habit cannot force themselves to move as quickly and skillfully as someone who already has many years of experience. This is truly very true for me. Many times in the past, I was extremely impatient because I wanted to see results immediately. If I did something for a few days and did not see any change, I would begin to doubt the method. Or if I tried to start conversations a few times but still felt awkward, I would quickly think that maybe I was simply born this way.
But if I sit down and think carefully, how could a deeply rooted habit that has existed for many years disappear after only one short week of effort? If it took that many years to form a pattern of thinking, perhaps I also need to give myself enough time to build a new way of reacting. I have always believed in the power of small and practical changes, but now I understand one more thing: they only truly become meaningful if I persist in repeating them for long enough. One year may sound long, but if a problem has followed me and negatively affected me for all those years, is spending one year seriously improving it really too long? The answer is definitely no.
I Am Practicing It
I am writing these lines while I myself am still in the process of trying this method, not as someone who has already solved all of my insecurities. I still have moments when I doubt my own abilities. I still encounter situations that make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. And I also understand clearly that a four-column piece of paper cannot automatically change my life if, after writing it, I put it away in a drawer and completely forget about it.
However, what this method helps me see most clearly is that lack of confidence is not some vague, incurable mass. We can completely break it down into smaller parts to deal with: name the fear, trace it back to its source, make a specific action plan for the skills that are still weak, and patiently give ourselves time to adapt.
The final lesson I picked up from this material is also very simple: no one can practice on my behalf. Other people can give me a method, a book can open up an idea, or a story can make me suddenly realize a problem, but the final part of practicing is still entirely my own responsibility. In the previous article, I talked about not waiting until I feel confident before taking action. This time, I am learning one more thing: I will do much better if I know exactly what I want to change, why I need to change it, and am willing to give myself a long enough period of time to transform.
Perhaps I will have to return to that four-column piece of paper many more times, not to find a flawless, perfect version of myself, but to understand more clearly what is making me afraid, what truly needs improvement, and what my next step should be.
Is there something that has made you feel insecure for many years? If you sat down now and wrote it on paper, where do you think its real source would come from?
