Every evening, I see crowded coffee shops where people sit next to each other, yet their eyes are glued to their phone screens, waiting for a message or a notification. There are times I’ve caught myself doing the same: feeling anxious when someone doesn’t reply immediately, or let down when a gesture of care isn’t reciprocated as expected. In those moments, I realized I was playing a dangerous game: handing the “remote control” of my happiness over to someone else.
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Everyone craves a protector
Let’s be honest, who doesn’t want someone to lean on? Who doesn’t dream of a shoulder to carry the heavy burdens during exhausted times, or a voice that soothes: “Let me handle it.” That longing isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s deeply human.
But the problem arises when we can’t make ourselves happy and instead pile all those hopes onto someone else’s shoulders. When that happens, happiness is no longer a natural emotion; it becomes a dependency. And anything built on dependency is too fragile—it’s bound to crumble sooner or later.
“If you stand firm on your own two feet, you might wobble, but you won’t break. But if you stand on someone else’s shoulders, the moment they shake, you’ll fall straight down.”
When you go “begging” for love, you put yourself in a position of weakness
I’ve seen so many people go “begging” for emotions. Begging for a little love, a little attention, or validation from bosses and colleagues. We beg by pleading, by being clingy, by doing whatever they want, or by making ourselves so small that we lose who we are.
It’s the same in relationships. The more empty a person feels inside, the more they cling to the outside. And the more they cling, the more their personal magnetic pull disappears. It’s not that they aren’t good people; it’s that they are sending a silent message to the world: “I can’t take care of myself.”
Even if someone chooses to stay out of pity, that image of weakness remains etched into the relationship. Either way, we are the ones who lose.
The bread loaf and the truth about abundance
Imagine you have only one loaf of bread to survive the day. You meet two hungry people and you cut it up for them. It’s a beautiful, noble act. But the result is that all three of you are still hungry. Most importantly, a thought will grow inside you: “I gave them everything I had; they must be grateful to me.”
Now, imagine you have ten loaves of bread. You eat your fill, and then you give away the surplus. Giving now becomes incredibly light. You don’t need anyone to remember your contribution, you don’t need repayment, and you aren’t afraid of being betrayed.
“The difference doesn’t lie in the kindness; it lies in the level of internal abundance within each person.”
Self-happiness is not choosing to live in isolation
To be clear, being self-happy doesn’t mean cutting off all relationships to live like a hermit. That’s an extreme attitude. Self-happiness is knowing how to lay the first brick with yourself: taking care of yourself and stabilizing your own life first. Then, you enter a relationship as a person who is “whole,” not someone who is “lacking.”
Two happy people meeting creates a healthy relationship. But one happy person carrying an unhappy person makes everything much more difficult.
Lessons I keep for myself
From my own friction with life and observations, I’ve drawn a few practical conclusions:
- Self-happiness is a responsibility to yourself, not a fleeting inspiration.
- No one has the obligation to make you happy forever.
“Don’t chase anyone to beg for emotions. Make yourself steady enough, deep enough, and full enough. A flower doesn’t need to chase butterflies; it only needs to bloom and release its scent.”
A message for you
Don’t be too hard on yourself if you still feel shaky sometimes. Start with the smallest things: take care of your health, learn a new skill, or simply spend time understanding your own fears. When you start to value yourself, the world will naturally learn to value you.
You have more than enough power to build your own “kingdom” of happiness—a place where the presence of others is a gift to be shared, not a life source to be sustained. I wish you strength on your journey back to yourself!
