Have you ever realized that the more you try to change yourself or change someone else in order to keep the peace, the more exhausting the relationship becomes?
Once, I was sitting and talking about life with someone close to me. Everything was going well until we mentioned the film Private—a story about a group of scammers who deceive others in exchange for wealth. We looked at the same situation but had completely different opinions about it. The cheerful atmosphere suddenly became tense.
On the way home, I kept wondering: Why could such a small difference make the atmosphere between two people change so much? I suddenly realized that in life, differences are always more numerous than similarities. And much of the tension I had experienced in relationships began with my inability to accept those differences.
When Differences Begin to Create Conflict
We rarely argue because of what we have in common. Two people who love the same food or share the same ideals can usually find things to talk about easily and feel close to each other. But conflict begins to appear when each person looks at the same issue from a different perspective.
This happens everywhere. Even with the people closest to us, where we may believe that mutual understanding should be complete, cracks can still appear. Parents and children differ in how they live, while friends differ in their pace of life and the choices they make. The closer we are to someone, the more likely we are to place our own expectations on them. And when they do not respond the way we hope, we become disappointed and unconsciously enter a debate over who is right, who is wrong, and who should change first.
Lessons from Trying to Change
There were times when I thought that if I gave in a little more and tried to be a little more like other people, life would become less difficult. I adjusted the way I spoke and held back my thoughts just to avoid unnecessary conflict. However, this was different from trying to “dissolve” myself into the crowd, which I wrote about in Losing Myself in the Crowd. Sometimes, I also wished that other people would change for me. I would think to myself, “If only they were more considerate and more willing to give in.”
But constantly adjusting myself to become someone else gradually made me feel uncomfortable with who I was, while waiting for other people to change only left me more disappointed. In the end, I realized that the problem was not the existence of differences, but the way I reacted to them.
Learning to Understand Priorities Different from My Own
I realized that I was not always upset because other people were wrong. Many times, I was upset simply because they did not follow my own idea of what was “right.” I assumed that whatever I valued should also be important to them.
But the truth is that everyone grows up with different experiences, so their priorities are different as well. Some people choose stability, while others value freedom. I once criticized a close friend for choosing a high-paying job instead of following her passion, until I learned that she was the only breadwinner in her family. At that moment, I understood that what I considered important might not necessarily fit someone else’s circumstances.
From then on, I began to look at other people’s choices more calmly. Not because I agreed with everything, but because I understood that a decision could be very difficult to understand if we looked at it only from the perspective of our own circumstances.
Respecting Differences Does Not Mean Accepting Everything
Respecting differences does not mean compromising without limits. There are differences I have learned to accept, but there are also differences that made me realize I could not continue walking alongside someone for the long term.
When I was in college, my roommate and I argued a lot. She spent money without much planning, even though her financial situation was not very comfortable. I, on the other hand, lived more frugally. I respected the way she chose to enjoy life, but I understood that I could not allow myself to be pulled into that lifestyle. Today, we are still friends, but we have chosen different paths.
Learning to accept differences did not make me overly tolerant. It made me more open-minded. I stopped trying to fix other people, and I also stopped forcing myself to get along with everyone. I value the relationships that are right for me and accept that some people can still care about each other without necessarily walking the same path.
After our conversation about the film that day, my relative and I still held on to our own opinions. Neither of us convinced the other, but that difference no longer made our relationship feel heavy.
Perhaps what makes relationships better is not finding people who always think the same way we do, but learning to accept that someone can be very different from us and still deserve to be heard and respected.
Have you ever had a difference with someone that changed the way you looked at a relationship?
