I have a friend. He isn’t the type to preach about morality or kindness, but he lives it naturally. Whenever he sees someone in trouble, he doesn’t ask too many questions; he just steps in to help immediately.
One time, an acquaintance came to him in a truly “pitiful” situation. They talked about the burden of rent, living expenses, and the days they couldn’t make ends meet because of their dire straits. The story wasn’t overly dramatic, but it was enough to make anyone believe this was a moment they truly needed a helping hand. They promised it would be a short-term loan. Though there was no formal agreement, it was enough for my friend to think: “Surely, things will work out.” So, he nodded. No paperwork, no set repayment date—simply because he thought: “Anyone in this position who is met with suspicion is already suffering enough.”
- “Kindness without boundaries is like a house without a door; anyone can walk in and take your most precious belongings.”
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When kindness becomes a habit
The second request for a loan came much faster than he expected. This time, there weren’t many explanations or long stories, just a familiar opening: “I’m a bit stuck right now, can you help me one more time?”
He hesitated for a moment, but still chose to give the money. It wasn’t because he had extra to spare, but because he couldn’t bring himself to say no, and because a “very dangerous” thought had formed in his mind: “I’ve already helped once; helping again won’t make a difference.”
Then came the third time, and the fourth. Each time, the boundary blurred a little more. The money was no longer called a “loan”—it felt like a one-way stream. The giver was too shy to mention it, and the receiver never bothered to bring up repayment. Initial kindness slowly turned into a habit, and sadly, that habit was no longer appreciated.
When kindness is misplaced
But then, through a story from another relative—who was also a victim of this same acquaintance’s unpaid debts—my friend had a shocking awakening. The money he had been lending all this time wasn’t used to manage life as he was told. That person had taken the money to gamble. When they lost, they borrowed more, viewing his money as a given part of the cycle: “Lose—Borrow—Keep Playing.”
What hurt him the most wasn’t the lost money, but the feeling that he had misplaced his trust. His kindness hadn’t helped anyone stand back up; on the contrary, it had only served as a “life jacket” for them to sink deeper into a mire of vice. He stayed silent for a long time. He didn’t choose to get angry or make a scene; there was just an infinite sadness, as if something had just shattered inside his heart.
When saying “No” makes you the “bad guy”
After learning the truth, he firmly refused to lend any more. That was when the acquaintance’s true colors as a parasite showed. They didn’t hesitate to throw bitter words of reproach at him:
- “Why are you so different lately? You aren’t kind like you used to be.”
- “Are you really being this stingy over a little bit of money?”
Those words were like a slap in the face, making him realize: in that person’s eyes, kindness was never a choice born of compassion—it was an obligation. And when that obligation was no longer met, the kind person was immediately labeled a villain.
Kindness must go hand-in-hand with clarity
My friend’s story left me thinking for a long time. I understand that kindness, if it has no limits and isn’t given to the right person, loses its own value. When you give too easily, the receiver no longer feels the need to preserve it. When there are no boundaries, kindness is no longer a gift; it becomes a demand.
Not everyone in trouble actually wants to change their life. Some people are just looking for someone “good enough” so they can continue to nurture their own bad habits.
I’ve realized that being kind isn’t about giving at all costs. True kindness is helping someone stand up, not helping them fall deeper. Helping others requires clarity; it requires the courage to ask questions and the courage to say “No” when you feel what you’re doing no longer brings true value.
“Someone who only values you when you are giving doesn’t actually value you—they only value your pushover nature.”
Setting limits on our kindness doesn’t make us cold; it helps us stay strong enough to be kind in a way that is long-lasting and sustainable. A boundary is the yardstick we use to know when we are truly helping someone up, and when we are accidentally enabling them to sink further into their mistakes.
Have you ever been blamed simply because you couldn’t keep helping someone? Share your story and how you set boundaries for your kindness below!
