Love is not a one-sided selection process in which one person has the right to judge while the other can only wait for the result. That person may or may not like you. But you also have the right to consider whether they are truly compatible with your life, your emotional needs, and the things you value.
When Love Turns Into a Long Wait
Wanting someone to love you is completely normal. Everyone wants to be remembered, prioritized, and seen as someone special.
But sometimes, what you are pursuing is no longer just their affection. You want their choice to become proof that you are good enough.
If they love you, perhaps you are attractive enough.
If they stay, perhaps you are worthy of being cherished.
If they choose someone else, surely you must be lacking something.
When your sense of self-worth becomes too closely tied to the status of a relationship, your emotions can easily rise and fall with every response from the other person. A study on relationship-contingent self-esteem found that when people base their sense of personal worth on their romantic relationship, changes within that relationship can also affect the way they see themselves. They may become overly absorbed in every positive or negative sign between them and their partner. (selfdeterminationtheory.org)
Perhaps that is why a late message is sometimes no longer simply a late message. It quickly becomes a question about your worth:
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Have they grown tired of me?”
“Am I not interesting enough?”
You are no longer calmly looking at how someone is treating you. Instead, you are busy searching for flaws within yourself to fix, hoping that they will care more next time.
Love then turns into a long period of waiting. You wait for a message, reassurance, a clearly defined relationship, or the day when that person finally realizes that you are worthy.
But while you wait for them to choose you, you are almost placing complete control over your emotions in someone else’s hands.
- Read more: Are You “Begging” for Emotional Validation?
Attraction Does Not Prove Compatibility
You may see strong emotions as a sign of a special kind of love.
You miss them deeply. You feel nervous when they appear. A small gesture of concern from them can change the course of your entire day. Because of those feelings, you may easily believe that this must be the person you should try to hold on to.
But attraction only shows that someone has the ability to stir your emotions. It does not tell you whether they know how to respect you, whether they are willing to build a relationship with you, or whether they can provide a lasting sense of security.
They may make you miss them without ever giving you clarity.
They may make you feel special for a few moments, only to leave you alone with long periods of silence afterward.
In some relationships, the more unstable things become, the more intense the emotions feel. You feel happier than usual when they give you attention because you have already spent so long waiting for it. The more afraid you are of losing them, the more important they seem. You may call that constant anxiety and longing a sign of deep love, even though much of its intensity may actually come from insecurity.
A longitudinal study that followed young people from adolescence into early adulthood found that those who were more sensitive to the possibility of rejection tended to experience greater anxiety, avoidance, and negative interactions in their later romantic relationships. This does not mean that every feeling of nervousness is unhealthy or that you should only fall in love when you feel completely calm. Love naturally makes people hopeful and vulnerable. (pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov)
But before allowing your feelings to convince you that someone is truly compatible with you, you also need to look at the reality:
Do they respect what you say?
When conflict arises, do they want to work through it with you, or do they leave you to deal with everything alone?
Are they genuinely building a relationship with you, or do they only appear occasionally to keep you from leaving?
Someone who makes your heart race is not necessarily someone with whom you can build a peaceful and lasting relationship.
Look at Who You Become Around Them
When you like someone, you often spend too much time observing them.
What do they think of me?
Do they miss me?
Do they want this relationship to go further?
But there is another question that is just as important: Who are you becoming when you are around them?
Can you express your true thoughts?
Do you feel at peace?
Are you able to maintain your boundaries?
You may like someone but dislike the person you become within that relationship. That is also something worth examining.
Therefore, when someone does not choose you, it is not necessarily a verdict on your worth. Not every closed door means that you were unworthy of entering. Some doors close simply because they were never leading to the place you truly needed to go.
Love Is a Choice Made by Two People
When you desperately want to be loved, it is easy to place the other person in a position where they hold all the power.
They are allowed to remain unclear, while you are expected to be patient.
They are allowed to move closer and then pull away, while you are expected to be understanding.
They are allowed to consider whether they want the relationship, while you focus only on proving that you are a good choice.
But love should not place one person in the position of judging while the other waits endlessly for approval.
Both people have the right to observe.
Both people have the right to express their needs.
Both people have the right to recognize incompatibility and walk away.
Taking back your right to choose does not mean becoming cold, calculating, or constantly preparing to leave. It simply means that you no longer treat the other person’s feelings as the only thing worth considering.
You can still love someone deeply and recognize that they are not right for you.
You can still feel hurt when your feelings are not returned without turning that pain into a rejection of yourself.
You can still hope that they will stay without accepting a relationship that repeatedly makes you feel small.
Boundaries in love are not a way to make someone afraid of losing you. They are a way to ensure that you do not lose yourself while trying to hold on to them.
Maturity in love is not about finally getting someone to choose you. It is about understanding yourself well enough to recognize what you need, being honest enough to express what you want, and being steady enough not to hold on to a love that exists only because you are the one who keeps waiting.
You do not need to enter every relationship feeling guarded or constantly evaluating the other person. But you should not enter with the mindset of someone begging to be acknowledged either.
Because the important question is not only:
“Do they love me?”
It is also:
“Is the love they offer truly what I need?”
- Read more: How to Be Loved: A Very Real Perspective
