I used to think that when someone was angry, the best thing to do was explain what had actually happened. But it rarely ended well. The more I explained, the louder the other person became. I would start getting frustrated because I felt like I was not being heard, while they thought I was simply trying to make excuses. Something that started out fairly small could end with both of us bringing up a whole list of old issues.
After going through this a few times, I realized something quite simple: when someone is extremely angry, it is usually the worst time to try to win them over with logic.
The hardest part is keeping your mouth shut
It sounds easy. It becomes much harder when someone is raising their voice at you.
When someone speaks to me harshly, I can easily start talking faster and louder too. If they interrupt me, I want to interrupt them back. If they say something hurtful, an even more hurtful response almost immediately comes to mind.
I have done that before, and it has rarely solved anything.
So now, the first thing I try to control is not the angry person, but my own reaction. I try to speak more slowly, avoid pointing fingers, avoid sarcastic laughter, and especially avoid dragging up something that happened three years ago just to win the argument.
None of this sounds particularly profound, but I have found it to be the hardest part.
You do not need to explain everything immediately
One mistake I used to make was trying to resolve everything while the other person was still extremely angry. They would say, “You’re always like this,” and I would immediately respond, “No, I’m not.” They would complain, “You never care about me,” and I would start listing everything I had done for them.
The conversation would quickly turn into an inventory of who remembered things correctly and who did not. Meanwhile, the original issue that made the other person angry would almost disappear.
Later, I tried doing things differently. Instead of immediately arguing back, I would ask, “What just happened that made you feel that way?” Sometimes I still felt that they had misunderstood me, but at least we were both talking about the same issue.
Right and wrong still need to be discussed. Just not while two people are trying to talk over each other.
And when it reaches the point where neither person can listen to the other finish a sentence, I choose to stop. Not by walking away or avoiding the issue, but by saying clearly, “I still want to talk about this, but not while we’re both this angry.” That pause has often saved the conversation from words that both of us would regret the next day.
Stop saying “calm down”
I cannot remember how many times I have said “calm down,” but I can hardly remember a single time when those words actually made someone calmer.
It is almost funny when you think about it. Someone is speaking loudly, their face red with anger, and you stand in front of them telling them not to be angry anymore. If one sentence were enough to solve the problem, there probably would not be any arguments lasting longer than five minutes.
Worse still, “calm down” can sometimes make the other person feel that you see their reaction as unreasonable. So instead of talking about the original issue, the two of you end up arguing over whether they even have the right to be angry.
Now, I usually try to find out something more specific: “What is making you the most upset?” or “Are you angry because of what I just did, or because this has happened many times before?”
Questions do not always work. But at least they give the conversation somewhere to go.
I changed the way I speak
After many arguments, I realized that simply changing the way I phrase something can sometimes make a significant difference to the conversation. These are not “magic words,” just ways of speaking that make both people feel less defensive.
| Instead of saying | I usually try saying |
|---|---|
| “Calm down.” | “What is making you the most upset?” |
| “You misunderstood.” | “Let me make sure I understand what you mean.” |
| “You’re overreacting.” | “Has this been bothering you for a while?” |
| “What did I even do?” | “What did I do that upset you?” |
| “Fine, I don’t want to talk anymore.” | “I think if we keep talking right now, we’ll only end up arguing more. Let’s talk again in a little while.” |
I can still disagree with the other person. I also do not think that whenever someone is angry, the other person has to take all the blame. I simply want to understand what I am disagreeing with first.
What I learned from all those arguments
I think the most important thing when someone is angry is to understand what they are actually upset about, rather than immediately trying to prove that you are right. Some things still need to be discussed clearly in terms of who was right and who was wrong, but those conversations are much easier when both people can listen to each other finish a sentence without constantly interrupting or raising their voices.
That does not mean I always manage to do this. Sometimes I still lose my temper. I still argue back immediately when I hear something I think is unreasonable, and I still get drawn into arguments that probably could have ended much sooner. The things in this article are not things I always do perfectly. They are simply lessons I have learned after many arguments, and I have found that they help make conversations less tense.
What about you? When someone is extremely angry, what has helped you and that person sit down and talk normally again? If you have found something that genuinely works in situations like these, share it in the comments. I would also like to know how other people usually handle their arguments.